the fool, upright
do you always have to look before you leap?
In honour of today (the day of this being posted), I decided to use a tarot card that I don’t always really understand in my readings; The Fool.
Despite its name, The Fool isn’t a “bad” card to get, and doesn’t bring up unpleasant feelings and associations like The Devil, The Tower or The Hanged Man (although none of those are necessarily bad either. Nothing is black or white when it comes to…let’s just call it the universe). The Fool usually signifies the start of new adventures, new beginnings, actual travelling, spontaneity, originality, youth and freedom. Sometimes, it can be a cautionary sign to look before you leap.
The problem is, I have no idea where I’m supposed to look.
Things haven’t gotten better for me since my last post. I’m very much struggling in terms of my mental and emotional health and my friendship situation is essentially the same. I have the added stress and anxiety of having to look for a new apartment as well; my apartment contract is ending in mid-September and my roommate wants to live with her boyfriend. Which, okay, I pretty much expected. But looking for an apartment, especially with the current renting situation, is nothing less than torture.
I’m stressed. I’m anxious. I’m lonely, and terrified, and exhausted. I have no idea what awaits me a few months from now. My spiritual practice, all the books I read, all the self-help posts tell me to believe in the universe and trust it wants what’s best for me but good fucking God is it difficult to just trust that everything will be okay.
I’m not a positive person by nature. I’m actually kind of a control freak. So all this leaping without knowing? Reader, I’m shitting my pants.
But what else can I do other than breathe through it?
I do not know what to expect in terms of fun during April. I am going home for the Easter holidays so at least I can run back to my mother and lick my wounds for a bit (and also acquire new ones because she’s a relentless Virgo). Such is life.
books
In more pleasant news, I finished four books during March, thus finally catching up to my Substack goal:
The Fall of Gondolin by J.R.R. Tolkien
The Dark Fantastic: Race and Imagination from Harry Potter to the Hunger Games by Ebony Elizabeth Thomas
Rumi’s Little Book of Wisdom by Rumi, Maryam Mafi, Narguess Farzad
The Witcher: Time of Contempt by Andrzej Sapkowski
The Dark Fantastic, while a pretty good read with important points, did not condemn J.K. Shithead for me enough, I will say. But other than that I enjoyed all four reads. I unfortunately continue to like The Witcher books, and devoured Time of Contempt in probably two weeks.
My current reads are The Witcher: Baptism of Fire and A New Earth by Eckhart Tolle. I have read Tolle before (The Power of Now) so I’m pretty stoked for my non-fiction read this month. I also bought The Underground Railroad by Colson Whitehead, Emily Wilde’s Encyclopedia of Faeries by Heather Fawcett, and Frankenstein by Mary Shelley. I’m very excited for all three; I’ve had them on my to-read list for a long time. I’ll let you know how it goes.
tv and movies
Man. Don’t ask me.
music
This is what I added on Spotify between March 4th ( my last substack) and now:
Sweet Dreams (ft. Miguel) and Mona Lisa- JHope
FLAT COKE- pH-1, Lee Youngji
KFC Santeria- Cain Culto
like JENNIE- JENNIE
Cirice and Satanized- Ghost
PRAY TO ME- DeathByRomy, Palaye Royale
Stay ‘Til the Daylight- Skillet
I Buried Us- Blackbriar
Soprano- Nova Twins
Up From the Bottom- Linkin Park
Baby, Not Baby- Seulgi
IS THIS LOVE- XG
+82 Pressin’- Mark Lee, Haechan
VVV- The Boyz
BOLO- Penomeco, YDG
BAMBOLA and STUNNER- TEN
ESCAPE- Bang Chan and Hyunjin
Burnin’ Tires- I.N. and Changbin
Save Myself- Ashe
Honeycomb- Tim Atlas
If nobody got me, music got me, for real.
That’s it from me. Here’s to better health (physical, mental, emotional, etc.) during April.
All my love.
Till next time.